Upon some self reflection I noticed that I often ran from facing things head on. Afraid of what was awaiting my arrival on the other side I tended to hover in spaces of indecision for they somehow felt “better” and “more comfortable” than the vast unknowns that were lurking in decisiveness. For so long things felt easier that way, as if me ignoring problems would somehow make them dissipate into thin air. Knowing full well that this could never be true, and in fact ignoring problems only made them worse, I still existed in this fearful space. Previously unsure of what moves to make I now realize that I have always known what to do, it just took until now for me to settle into this newfound space.
As I have continued my journey of living and traveling abroad I have in so many beautiful ways been forced to accept, not realize because deep down it has always been something that I have known, that by nature I have a sense of freedom and adventure that lives in my spirit. This true side of me is tired of being in hiding, she is ready to come out and play! Reminding me that life is short, this often hidden part of myself is tired of coming in second and being chosen last. What’s most interesting though, is that I did these things and made these choices not because I didn’t want to tap into this part of myself, but more because of what it meant to do so.
Living in a space of uncertainty, while liberating, can also be anxiety ridden. Most days I’m not sure where money will come from or if and when I will see my friends and family again, and sometimes those feelings can overpower the feelings of freedom. My mind automatically goes back to old patterns and behaviors and tries to keep me tied to the idea that I can only have one experience. Lately I have been challenging this thought by realizing that I can have all of the experiences, just lived out and enjoyed one at a time. Instead of seeing life as a straight path where every decision I make can lead to the next, I have instead decided to see life as providing me with all these options and it is up to me to accomplish or do whatever it is that I want. Time is limited, yes, which is why it is even more important for each and every one of us to stop, sit back, reflect, and really decide how we want our lives to be and who we want in it.
Over these past few years I have realized more than ever that we are in control of our lives. While there are many forces working with us, guiding our paths and outcomes, it is up to us to choose how we would like to see the world. Whether things are going great or they are actually kind of crappy at the moment, it is our conscious choice to live in darkness or to choose the light. I don’t know about you but I want the light! I want all of the things that make me smile and feel joy inside, even if I have to wait and experience them one by one. So no more telling myself “I can’t” or selling my dreams and ideas short out of fear of how they will turn out and who will receive them. I have come to understand that those who need what we have to offer will find us, somehow, someway. What is meant to be will be, always.
So in this active space of choosing how I want my life to look I release all that doesn’t serve my spirit and let go of any negative and stagnant energy that is not going to propel me into the next phase of my life. No longer do I want to sit in sorrow and wallow over what was or what could be, instead, I choose to get out there and see. I have no idea what will happen if I try but I do know what will happen if I don’t… nothing. That’s right, nothing but the same ol’ thing will happen if I don’t choose change and even though it is so scary to think about sometimes, I would rather be afraid trying something new, than still afraid and stuck in the same old tired ruts. So what’s it gonna be? How will you choose to live today?
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”-Aristotle