The past two Mother’s Days weren’t as hard for me as I expected them to be. While it did hurt to miss you, I didn’t feel the pain in my chest as much as I did this year. This time around I was completely immobile the day before. I felt down and sluggish even though I thought that I had no reason to be. This was of course until I was surprisingly reminded that a day later would in fact be Mother’s Day. I guess in some ways, my body was already aware of what I needed before my brain and emotions did.
I can’t lie to you mom, this year was tough. Not only does it feel like this Mother’s Day carries more weight, as it would have been your first as a grandmother, which alone has been hard to digest, but it is also the first time in a long time that I felt safe enough to cry in public about missing you. Usually I hid my tears. Telling people that I am OK whenever they ask, and trust me, they ask, a lot, almost too much. I got used to this response and reaction though because etched into the back of my mind were your words, “If anything happens to me, and I leave this world before y’all, don’t be sad for me. I don’t want you guys to be sad all the time. I want you to grieve and then move on. Go live your life”. The funny thing about this though mom is that it is so much easier said than done; you didn’t mention that part.
Heeding your words I realized how this past year has been so full of life for me. You would be proud of the changes I have made and all of the pretty awesome things I have accomplished. Looking back over this year I can say that I have indeed lived life even with you gone. Although this may be true, there were many times during this year that I missed you and deeply longed for the chance to experience some of these great things with you. While our world moves on, and life’s demands are still expected of us, it is hard to just “keep on living” without one of the biggest reasons we have to live. I mean honestly, without you we wouldn’t even exist! Though it has been tough to carry these heavy emotions, I remember the peace found in your smile and hope that heaven is treating you like the queen you are.
So here I am. Resting in a space where I am free enough to feel my feelings while also remembering the beauty in our memories together. I’m beginning to understand that it is OK for us to miss you, and it is alright for us to cry. We do not have to feel guilty when our hearts ache for your presence because I now realize that we can go on, continuing to live our lives as our love and adoration for you grows ever more. So here is a post to you mom. For my love for you, all of our memories together, and for the lasting connection we have that can never and will never be broken.
“You are the wind beneath our wings”-Ford Children