My little cousins are mad at me and it sucks. Even though the situation was a complete misunderstanding, they, understandably so, do not see it that way. I haven’t known how to navigate this space of pain and uncertainty. While I do have a strained and extremely interesting dynamic with my family, they are still mine and I will do all I can to stand by them, even in times of disagreement, so it hurts to think that my cousins do not know just how strongly I support them and have their backs.
I find the details of why they are mad to be confusing, and honestly emotionally overwhelming so I will not go too far into them. However, what I will say is that the situation is eerily similar to the “boy who cried wolf” in the way that once the wolf actually showed up, I had no way of knowing that they were in a real situation that actually needed to be tended to with love and care. Instead, under the guise of “them just being them” I laughed them off as I did time and time again when presented with similar stories from them; if only I had known this time was different.
As I sit with painful thoughts of potentially never speaking to my family again, dramatic, yes I know, I reflect on why things like misunderstandings happen. More specifically, why do they happen if both parties are not in a place to talk and have the love to move through and past. To this question I found my answer, written in an old journal entry of mine. I hope the below words from my random May 2021 entry helps peace find your heart as it so readily did mine.
“I sit here in total and utter awe at the magnitude of life. As things happen we often try to find meaning in its existence. Buried deep beneath the twist and turns we frequently ask with furrowed brow, why? No really, Why? Sitting back reflecting on this further I realized and accepted that by constantly focusing on the “why” of painful situations, we often miss out on enjoying “what is”. See life doesn’t require us to know why in order for it to still just be. Life is, with or without our knowledge or understanding. The key, however, is instead of always wondering why, instead chose to bask in the moment. Taking a second to really connect to what is going on around you. understanding that it is now, in this present moment, where now matters. Now didn’t matter in the past, and it wont tell you your future, but it does keep depression and anxiety at bay, and let’s face it, that is so much more important than why, because at the end of all this, why doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it happened.“
5/31/21
Creative Wholeness 